Getting What You Want

Over the past year or so, I've really started paying closer attention to the people aspect of software development. Reading Jeff Atwood has been a significant part of that evolution for me. Jeff noted how very important interpersonal interaction is to a successful programmer:

How can you possibly learn the craft without being exposed to other programmers with different ideas, different approaches, and different skillsets? Who will review your code and tell you when there's an easier approach you didn't see? If you're serious about programming, you should demand to work with your peers.

One of the more unfortunate traits common to the programmer demographic is our remarkable ability to be off-putting. It's certainly more true for some than for others, but even when a programmer is considered "quite personable", he's probably a lot closer to ISTP than to ENFP.

So I'm trying to improve. The single best resource I've found for this is Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends & Influence People. It's an immersive read - Carnegie is an excellent storyteller and uses clear, concise examples to communicate his "Fundamental Techniques". It's practically written for a programmer, removing all fluff and assumptions about interpersonal interactions - a literal API reference for people:

• "Give people a feeling of importance by praising the good parts of them"
• "Become genuinely interested in other people"
• "Encourage others to talk about themselves"
• "Start with questions the person will answer yes to"
• "Let the other person feel the idea is his/hers."

The brief sampling above evidences the paradox of effectively dealing with people - we have to give what we want to the person we want things from. On the surface, the advice sounds so simple - "be nice to people and you're more likely to get what you want." But how often do we do it in practice? How often do you really give up all the credit for a job well done, even if you did most of the work - or it was even your idea? Not often enough.

Carnegie's thin paperback is so full of behaviors to change that it's overwhelming, so it's good to start with a select few and make them habitual. I've been developing a few habits of my own, slowly but surely. These things will seem like Life 101 to some, and far-fetched to others:

• Being very direct and task-oriented (a major programmer trait), when I need something from someone my first action is to start a new e-mail and politely ask for what I need. New habit: before I hit send, I backtrack to the beginning of the e-mail and write a sentence or two complimenting something they've done recently, or asking about something that is important to them.
• I am trying to remember to append the person's name every time I say "hello", "thanks", or "goodbye" to them.
• When someone compliments me directly, I try to think of someone who contributed, even indirectly, to whom I can credit some of the success.

Hopefully the pattern here is pretty obvious: make other people feel important. People like feeling like other people are interested in them and their issues; people like hearing their name; people like receiving credit. At first it feels a little shallow, maybe even a little sociopathic - having to consciously fish for nice things to say to or about people. But I can say from experience that it doesn't take long to become habitual, and then become natural. When you think about these things all the time, you actually do start to become interested in other people's issues. You become invested in the success other people get to enjoy when you give them credit for a job well done. And that's the real trick - not faking pleasantness to manipulate people into doing what you want, but genuinely being the kind of person other people like getting along with. That kind of person naturally gets what they want, which is really where we all want to be.